Every now and then, I like to reflect on my path: everything I’ve learned and experienced over the last decade. One of my favorite things to reflect on is my relationship with my primary guide — my closest companion in spirit.

I call him “Spike,” and no, that’s not a name I came up with. Yes, I realize that’s a strange name for a spirit guide.

A decade ago, I learned of spirit guides and began a skeptical attempt at meeting my own. My teenage self loved the idea of having friends in spirit, but it was extremely difficult for me to grasp the idea and truly believe that these beings existed alongside me. What if it was just all in my head? Fantasies my dreaming mind came up with for some semblance of connection? Some days, the attempts felt silly.

And then I had a dream.

It was a bizarre dream, and one I wouldn’t ordinarily associate with meeting a powerful entity in spirit. The short of it was that I was escorted to an apartment by an unfamiliar man (who honestly gave me the impression of a mafia boss). The apartment had about a dozen unfamiliar people in it of varying ages. Everyone was gathered around one young man in particular, however: a twenty-something, blond, blue-eyed, and dressed somewhat like a hipster. I’d never seen the guy in my life, but in the dream, I knew him. Felt comfortable around him. I lounged around him like he was my best friend, despite the air of respect he seemed to command.

And when I woke, I knew his name was “Spike.”

Here’s the thing: I never remember names from dreams. I can’t even recall any other name I woke up remembering from a dream. This is the only time I remember waking up with a specific name in mind. The whole experience stuck with me, and upon waking, I realized with growing excitement that I may have just met my guide. It was a bizarre setting, and not at all what I expected, but that’s the thing, isn’t it? Spirit is rarely what we expect.

It took me years to realize that Spike’s choice of appearance/identity was tailored specifically for my teenage self, to help me better connect. Additional dreams and other odd experiences reinforced that connection over the following months. I had just started high school, more or less, and was drawn to alternative culture, being an artsy type. Nothing illicit, as I had no interest in any of that, but I could appreciate hipster/gothy fashion, which was how Spike presented himself to me. This identity made him more relatable — not the spooky “spirit” that my mind had trouble grasping.

For the next few years, I developed a relationship with Spike, learning more about him and trying my damnedest to communicate. At the time, his energy felt so subtle, so distant, that most of my information came through dreams or art that we created together. Often times, I would try to write with him, but I found these sorts of sessions weren’t as successful as intuitive or visual ones.

And that, of course, was frustrating to a young me, who was learning how to develop and trust her intuition. Clairaudience doesn’t come naturally to me, so I have a tougher time trying to intuit words or phrases than feelings or images. More than half the time I tried conversing with Spike, it felt like I was grasping at amorphous ideas, wisps of communication filtered down from the spiritual planes. Spike, however, was patient with me, and often stressed trusting my intuition.

In late 2011, I was messaged by someone I didn’t know — someone who told me she felt compelled to share information with me regarding Spike. She proceeded to tell me things that confirmed thoughts I had about our relationship, and conclusions to which I’d arrived. She told me, “I get the strong impression the reason it is hard for him to contact you with words is that he comes from so ‘far away’ (in terms of his advanced evolution) that it’s hard for him to get ‘low’ enough to speak to you directly.” She also confirmed that he and I share an incredibly deep connection, formed over “many lifetimes and many realms,” and that this is why I’m his only “student” in the physical.

I did not know this woman, but her out-of-the-blue message was confirmation that I so desperately needed at the time. There was a lot more to her message, and I was delighted to hear every single word. She did not ask for anything in return; she simply wanted to share a message to help a struggling teenager connect with a source of significant spiritual wisdom. Nearly eight years later, I’m still grateful to that woman. Her message gave me the confidence I needed to keep working on my intuition and my connection with Spike.

Today, Spike presents himself differently to me. In recent years, he’s shed the lovable hipster guise and adopted something more appropriate for his energy. I see him as more androgynous, with a balance between masculine and feminine energies. The portrait you see above was an interpretation from 2016, when I first noticed the changes. I wouldn’t consider it completely accurate now, but I’ll get there in time. As for his name? “Spike” doesn’t quite suit his identity and energy anymore, but I’ve known him for a decade by that name, and it feels wrong to refer to him as anything but “Spike” or “S.” It’s kind of a hilarious contrast, anyway.

Our relationship is a deep and loving one, but I wouldn’t call it “romantic.” I feel as though we may have shared lives like that, however, which will be interesting to explore in the future. My love for him is from the soul, and while I haven’t connected with him in the last few years, I know he understands. In fact, he probably supported my “distance” from him, knowing that I was learning valuable lessons in the midst of figuring out young adulthood.

But now? Now I’ve reached a point where I know I deserve better. I know I have a path, and a purpose, and I’m ready to manifest a life of emotional, creative, and physical abundance. I will need both Spike and Morpheus to help me get there, and as I understand it, Spike has some exciting things lined up for me this year.

Let 2019 mark the year when I planted and watered the seeds of my dreams, because 2020 carries some powerful energy, and I plan to collect.

(Hilarious side note: as I was proofreading this, “Meant to Be” by Bebe Rexha popped into my head.)